day seven notes – I so enjoy weekends at home with “nothing” to do. It’s been rainy here this weekend and I found myself simply not wanting to go out and do much. I sat for 40 minutes when it worked in the flow of the day. I often find myself in tears during meditation. Happens more with longer sits than shorter ones. I think I get into a really open and relaxed place and willing to let something come to mind and be fully felt. I can feel a part of me that thinks this isn’t what meditation is about or for or that this isn’t suppose to be part of meditation. And another part that simply is willing to accept “healing/release” whenever it is available. I find myself surprised when it happens in meditation since it isn’t an intention I have for the sit. Grateful to be touched in a way that lets things release. I continue to enjoy the sense that my larger process with life is being fully supported by my practices.
I also had a chance to collage in the evening and enjoyed creating two collages. There’s something about the process of creating collages that I find really nourishing. Something lets go into the process and delights in the surprise of what comes together in the end as a new image.
day eight notes – triggered this afternoon and journaled in a free flow way to be with it and see whatever wanted to come, tears with some of it. Helped move some of the energy. Walked with it too in the misty rain.
Wondering where today went. I didn’t sit yet. Didn’t make art. This sad sense of the question – what did I do today? – nothing comes. I shopped at the thrift store and have a beautiful new pot for my orchid and a new teapot set with four small cups and a big blue baggy comfortable sweatshirt. Why is this “nothing”? What’s some part of me expecting the days to be filled with.
At what point does it matter not what the form is, whether it’s a sit or a walk or time spent looking at things and shopping or listening to others in the support group I attended tonight, or deep in the pain of the triggered experience, in the uncomfortableness of it, the familiarity of it, being with it and it naturally passes. How I can be deep in it one moment and then something shifts, turns, moves in some way and I talk about being in it rather than being in it, totally consumed by it, I find a truth in it, it isn’t about what I think it’s about and the strategy this hurting part is fixated on isn’t going to solve it, it’s not about x,y,z or my kids or my husband, it’s about me, about seeing and feeling this part, this pain and it’s frozen experience not yet fully seen, understood, digested, something still frozen and rigid, stuck and then it shifts and there a is lightness, a me seeing myself triggered, and I am talking about it not being it any longer and soon I find myself joking about x,y,z and the laughter supports more movement and then it is shared with my friend while carpooling to group, and it fades into the “nothingness” of today, and simply becomes one of the many experiences I had today.